Keeping it Fresh: Sex in a Long-Term Relationship

So, you’ve been together for a while now. You’re committed; perhaps living together or married. You’ve gone through that Honeymoon stage where you couldn’t keep your hands off one another, but now it’s sex once or twice a week – or once or twice a month. Things like work, money, children, mortgage payments, and getting enough sleep have taken priority over being intimate, but you’d like to do it more. Here are a few tips for giving your sex life boost when things may have gone a little flat.

First and foremost, don’t worry too much about your sex life changing, it’s normal. Our libido naturally ebbs and flows throughout our lives. Compound that with the added stresses of just living during a pandemic and it’s no wonder that sex falls lower on the priority list. Just relax and enjoy the excitement and anticipation of trying something different.

Being “intimate” doesn’t always mean “intercourse.” Studies suggest that non-sexual touch is as important to intimacy as sex. Try increasing your day-to-day touching beyond the usual hugs and kisses. Caress your partner while cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. Focus on the non-erogenous zones first and then brushing close to, but not touching them. Chances are this can lead to some heavy petting before the end of the show.

Couples often fall into a routine about who initiates sex. If you are not the one who generally initiates, you may have to step out of your comfort zone and make the first move. Knowing that you are turned on can be a turn on to your partner. Everyone wants to be desired and, more likely or not, they will think it’s hot.

That may seem like the least-sexy piece of advice ever, but it works by reminding both of you to make sex a priority. You can add it to their phone calendar or day planner, of course, but you can also make it an opportunity to get creative, like writing a seductive note describing exactly what you are going to do to them tonight, or text a sexy video telling them yourself, or maybe sending a picture of what you will be wearing (or not wearing) when they get home. Planning it makes it a priority and a creative reminder can build anticipation and get you both in a sexy mood.

Speaking of creativity, have you ever sexted? You probably text each other throughout the day about mundane stuff like what’s for dinner or the toilet running, so why not spice it up a bit. It’s a great way to build anticipation as well as break up the routine of the day. If dirty talk is out of your comfort zone, start something playful like, “I just stepped out of the shower… 😉” or suggestive like, “I can’t wait for you to come… home” and then let your imagination take it from there. Once you are more comfortable and confident, move on to kinkier subjects like, “I just had the hottest fantasy. Want to hear it?” or “I just got a new bra, wanna see?” Have fun flirting, teasing, playing, and getting so worked up you can’t wait for the other to come… home.

Now that you’ve mastered sexting, it’s time to move on to communicating your sexual feeling and fantasies. A common complaint in marriages and long-term relationships is that the couples sometimes feel “disconnected” from one another. Regarding sex, needs and desires evolve over time and may not be the same as they were when you first started dating. Take time occasionally to talk about it, maybe as “pillow talk” after sex. This is the moment to say, “I liked it when you [did this to me]” or “You said you wanted to boss me around while sexting the other day. I’d like that, too,” or ask, “If you could do anything you want to me, what would it be?” Talking about your wants and desires is an excellent way to reconnect and bring you closer not only in bed, but in your relationship as a whole.

Being in a long-term relationship does not mean the end of sex, even though, at times, it may feel like it. But let’s face it, with life being as busy and stressful as it is, most of us aren’t in the mood for sex until we are. And that’s ok. Just as our relationships grow and evolve with time, so do our sex lives. Hopefully, some of the tips here will give you the boost you need to get back on track.