Finding Love: 5 Steps to Building a Strong Foundation

Finding, keeping, and growing love must be built upon a sturdy foundation and it takes effort from both partners for it to last. No matter your relationship status – Single, Dating, Committed Relationship, or Married – basic building blocks are needed for it to succeed.

You likely have started relationships because you shared similar interests with someone – things like work, education, or the same hobbies – and that’s a good start. For love to last, however, it takes more than just having things in common, you must share Core Values, especially before stepping into marriage. Minor differences and induvial interests take a little accommodation, but differences on things like religion, family, children, philanthropy, and politics are hard to overcome. If partners do not share Core Values, the relationship is unlikely to work.

Small expressions of appreciations can make an enormous difference in a relationship. Everyone wants and needs to be recognized and appreciated for who they are and what they do, so say or do something every day that does that. Giving a hug and kiss when he seems stressed, preparing a favorite meal, holding hands, buying flowers, or fixing her coffee just the way she likes it shows that you are paying attention. And saying things like: “I love you,” “You look great today,” “You are wonderful,” or “You’re a terrific dad” daily leads to a happier relationship.

In a healthy relationship, sex isn’t just about “The Big O,” it’s about intimacy and emotional bonding. Sure, there are times when blowing off stress and tension is needed, and that is fine, but over the long haul, physical touch is more about an emotional connection than about just feeling good.

There is an adage among relationship experts that states, “It’s not about if you fight, it’s how you fight.” This means that in long-term relationships disagreements are normal and healthy when resolved with love and respect. In fact, resolving conflict in this way makes your relationship stronger and deeper. “Fighting dirty,” however, by using guilt, contempt, condescension, defensiveness, or withdrawing from conflict altogether are unhealthy ways to resolve problems and is a sign of emotional immaturity.

One of the most common causes of relationship problems is that one partner loses their sense of identity or their “Self” – meaning, they depend so much on the other partners’ love and attention that they give up their interests and Core Values (see #1 above). In the psychology world, it’s known as “self-abandonment.” Your relationship is not your identity, and your partner should not define you. You need to love yourself first before you can grow a long-term, loving relationship with someone else.

A solid foundation is the key to a successful, long-term, loving relationship. Is it as simple as following the five steps above? Of course not. Love takes work and, at times, it will be difficult. But starting off on solid footing will better your chances of finding, keeping, and growing love.